Alexander would have flinched at David’s words if his body hadn’t been so exhausted. And now, with David getting angry with him, his disappointment…it made Alexander’s chest hurt even worse. He’d never felt bad for deceiving people, even if it was lying just so he could fuck them. The sudden realization that this was the worst possible thing that could happen at the moment, that he actually felt guilt and regret, it was almost too much…
With some effort, Alexander rolled onto his side, burying his face against the sheets, curling his legs up into himself as if he were trying to shrink away. There wasn’t any way to fix this. There was no doubt in his mind that David would assume the worst of him—after all, that’s what Alexander was known to do.
“I’m sorry.” was all he could manage to say for the longest time. When he tried adding to it, the only thing he could get out was repetitive: “I’m sorry, David.”
“If you’re so sorry then why didn’t you just tell me sooner?! why now when… you know I would have understood! You became Luke because you wanted to get closer to me, and fuck me like all your other counselors! … But you’d already had your chance, why drag it out?! I thought I.. I thought I loved you!”
Alexander recognized this scene. He’d played in it many times. The wig would come off, then the yelling, then the they would leave. For a brief moment, he wanted to tune everything out and relapse into what he was used to: lying there in silence until the problem went away.
But…when David said that…
It was just too much.
He kept his position as it was, lying there, face turned away. “I didn’t want to tell you.“ he whispered hoarsely. “I didn’t want to be Luke for you anymore. I hated how happy you were with him. I hated that you would…with him, even though he was a student. I hate him.” he shook his head quietly. “I didn’t want you to see me as Luke, because I want to be Alexander for you.”
He didn’t know what else to say, so he fell silent and waited, listening for the door to open and close.